An Invitation for Self-Compassion
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete” -Jack Kornfield
“Why are you like this? Why can’t you get it together? It’s not that big of a deal.” You may have berated yourself with some version of this through the years; Maybe even convinced yourself it was well-intentioned or the “tough love” you needed. Guess what? Your “taking care of yourself” strategy can actually be a form of self-harm. There are all sorts of misconceptions floating around about self-compassion and a great myth-busting guide can be found here.
Imagine a different way of relating to yourself. You take yourself out to a nice cup of coffee, sit yourself down and say “Hey there, you’ve been having a hard time. I can see that, I can feel that. How can I help, what do you need?” Stay with that for a moment. The relationship you have with yourself is one you develop over time. Here’s how you can begin today.
Greet yourself kindly.
Some of us begin the day by reading the news, scrolling social media or hitting the snooze button. Instead, begin more slowly. When you wake up, notice your breath, bring gentle movement to fingers and toes and set an intention for the day. The intention can be as simple as “today I will be present.” Start the day with the energy you want to experience throughout it. Begin with the pace and rhythm that sets you up for success.
Actually listen to your thoughts and feelings.
Check in with your inner landscape throughout the day. Notice patterns that arise. Make a mental note or jot thoughts down in a journal. Notice and notice again. Listen for the convenient emotions or the “easy answer” and then dig deeper. Check for nuance. You’re not really angry, you’re let down and disappointed. You’re not just zoned out but really dissociated. Through this you build awareness and trust in yourself
Be mindful of your sensitivities.
Different environmental factors impact your system and you will have sensitivities to light, noise, hunger, thirst and temperature. How many times have you ignored discomfort in your body? You ignore the discomfort by not listening, pushing through it or attending to something “more important.” In turn, you suffer. If you are a person with heightened sensitivities this becomes more important, as the impact it will have on you is greater and and the reset longer. Taking care of yourself around these sensitivities sends a very important message to your brain and body that you are worthy of care and support.
Practice discernment with your time and energy.
Gone are the days when a packed social calendar was a hallmark of having “made it.” In fact, many of us do not have the emotional resources to be fully present for a booming schedule. You are allowed to say no; not to everything, but to the things that are not serving you. You can choose to disengage with commitments of obligation, stay in if you don’t want to go out or end relationships that are not healthy for you. Set time aside to reflect, engage in nourishing activities and experience the freedom to just be.
Speak to yourself like you are really important (because you are).
You locked your keys in the car. You totally bombed your most recent work project. When you get to the market you realize that you forgot to strap your toddler in. What does the voice inside your head sound like? I sometimes invite clients to write down their inner dialogue for an entire day. Folks are usually surprised by what they find-it is harsher, more demanding or less kind than anything they would say out loud to anyone else. NPR published an article about what science says about changing your self-talk and the power of this change. Work to meet your mistakes with grace and also really notice when you are doing well. How you speak to yourself can and will impact how you feel and how you show up in the world.
Talking to a therapist can help you assess your self-compassion, explore any limitations to self-compassion and support you in creating a more nurturing inner experience. It is important to know you can do this work before you being therapy or as a complement to current therapy. In fact, you can start today, right now. If you have found these offerings helpful and are interested in learning more ways to practice self-compassion Dr. Kristen Neff offers some wonderful exercises here.